My fantasy voicemail message:
"Hi, this is Stuart. I'll be out of the office on holiday next week and this week I'm dealing with a variety of projects that you all consider to be jolly important. I'm already working ten hours a day and at the moment the only trend I can discern seems to be upwards.
"Therefore, please consider whether you really need to leave me a message. If it's about something that I'm supposed to be working on for you, I'm working on it. If it's about something else, I won't be working on it in the near future (at least not until human cloning has been perfected).
"If you do leave a message, please don't just say 'This is [X], please call me back' - give me some information and a little context. I don't have the time to play telephone tennis with you, but I might be able to leave a simple voicemail answer to your simple voicemail question. If I don't call you, respect my ability to prioritise appropriately and trust my judgement that the other stuff I'm working on is genuinely more important to the business.
"Please bear in mind the unalterable laws of physics. No matter how many messages you leave me, there will only ever be twenty-four hours in a day until we start to colonise the outer planets of our solar system. Spare a thought for the fact that every minute I spend listening to your messages is a minute that I'm not working on the thing that you want me to work on.
"If all else fails, please remember that I'm English and therefore I'm deeply, deeply sorry."
My actual voicemail message:
"Hi, this is Stuart. Please leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."
Sometimes real life can be so dull.
Sashinka is currently away with the fairies
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