sashinka | observation orientated, with a twist of lime | a blog

Voicemail Nirvana? I don't think so
Here's something I never understand: when you call people up at work and their voicemail says "hi, it's Mandy, I'm not here right now, leave a message after the tone", don't you always get confused and think you've called them at home and then forget what message you wanted to leave them? Or a voicemail that says "I'm away from my desk, leave a message". Don't you always want more information? Don't you wish they'd been straightforward and transparent?

When you get those "I'm not here right now" messages, you never know if they've just nipped to the bathroom, or taken a well-earned six week trip to Barbados. Another bugbear: "I'm out of the office today." Which day? Today? Yesterday?

A technology that was designed to enhance our already communication-heavy lives now serves to obfuscate it (and there's a word you don't get to use every day). Remember that old-fashioned piece of technology that told you the other party was busy on the phone and you should call back later? The engaged tone. I'm not a Luddite; I'm not suggesting we unplug all our phones and resort to carrier pigeons (not least because they'd all die from getting caught in telecoms wires or buzzed to death by mobile phone masts) but I am saying this: if we've got the technology, let's use it wisely. Let's make it genuinely enhance our (working) lives rather than create piles of unanswered, unclear voicemail messages that just make me feel "shit, how do I have time to work when I've got seventeen messages just from going to the toilet, and a hundred and twenty three emails whilst I recorded my voicemail."

About four jobs ago, I had an additional responsibility in a small plc for being the voicemail police: I wrote a policy, a couple of suggested outgoing messages, and got people training on how to use the system. After six months, we were efficient enough to have one less receptionist on the main switchboard. I know, I know, it's hardly a job-creation scheme in these troubled employment times, but it was a result. Of sorts.

So here's my suggestion: the eight new guidelines to acheiving voicemail heaven:

1 Change your voicemail everyday. I know you think it "takes ages" but it's worth the extra three minutes so all your callers know your availability
2 If you don't like to think on the hoof, write out your message, in as few words as meaningfully possible, and pin it to your noticeboard
3 Change your message first thing. Or even as you leave the office for the next morning. Time-lag voicemails are not as attractive as time-lag photography
4 Say the date, and even the time. If you're in a meeting all day, say that too. "It's Tuesday 17th September, and I'm out of the office till 2pm."
5 Obvious: say your name. And say it in a relatively business-like way. "You've reached Tony Blair at Number Ten"; that way it sounds like an office, not a ten-person flatshare
6 Avoid voicemail tag: if you leave a message for someone else, say what it's about. "Tony, I'm calling about the bew budget figures, and you can get me at my desk between 2 and 3" is way better than "Tony it's Gordon". This way, even if you don't reach each other, you can start getting an agenda/timing together
7 Return messages quickly. Even if it's just to say got your message, can we talk about it tomorrow?
8 If there's a way to bypass the rest of the message say so: those extra seconds can be vital to a busy executive: press hash to skip this message

English people need to err on the side of caution; if you follow all these rules to the letter, you can come out sounding like an American gospel-trained salesperson: "Well, hello, you've reached the office of Edar J Greenberg III at Landfill Securities. Service is our gospel. It's Tuesday 17th September and I'm serving other clients right now, but I'd be delighted to know you called, so please leave a detailed message after the tone, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a good day, now, y'all." This is not a good look: be moderate.

And if you're reading this in an office right now: check your message. And follow the three rules of voicemail good practice: daily (change), date (today) and delete (edit: use as few words as possible in your outgoing message while retaining sense). Go to it, folks.